Leaving tomorrow

TH and I leave for camp tomorrow. I'm very excited, but also nervous. According to my chart, Aunt Flow is due any day now. I had a tinge of cramping this morning which has caused me to be on high alert all day, which has also caused me to be a bit bitchy. Not only is it a pain to be on your period when you are camping, (and white water rafting with jr high boys who may or may not even know what a period is) but I really don't want to face this while I'm there. I've got some really awesome friends, as well as my amazing husband, who haven't let me hide in my room with the covers over my head the last couple weeks. I appreciate them more than they know. The downside to that is I spend a lot of time crying because that's how I process things. Also, I haven't exactly been facing my feelings and fears quite as directly as maybe I should be. Instead of being buried under my comforter, I've dug myself a cozy hole beneath lists and deadlines. I'm not sure what I'm going to do come Wednesday.

If I'm a crying, snotty, emotional wreck at camp someone is bound to notice. I guess I might just be spending lots of time wandering through the woods trying to pull myself together. At this point the last thing I want to talk about and process at camp around 120 people is my "infertility."

On the other hand, if I find I'm prego at camp, well, that isn't ideal either. What if I have morning sickness? What if all I want to do is lie in bed all day feeling yucky? How can I keep my mouth shut to be able to tell my parents first? And I'd want to tell them first.

This was the reason I decided not to be a counselor this year. Not because I knew I'd be on my period, but because I'm attempting to work through so much right now in my own life and relationship with God. How can I reach other people when I'm so selfishly consumed? Administration is much safer. If I find myself crumbling I can pretend I have something very important to attend to and excuse myself.

I guess it was bound to happen this year. Last year I was ovulating during camp and TH and I, creative as we tried to be, were unable to escape to, well, make a baby. Not sure what that has to do with anything, but blog readers like inappropriate personal facts, right?

So that's where I'm at. I'll let you all know how I fared on Wednesday when I get home.