Brat

How often do you ask God for something? Something serious. Something that you want with all your heart. When you do, do you ask frequently or just once? When do you determine when the answer is "no" or "not now?"

If the prayer seems to be unanswered (or at least not a definite no) do you keep praying for the same outcome, change your prayer, or give up all together? Do you even bother to pray for something you want (or don't want)?

I understand that different situations could change any of those answers, but I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I grew up with the mindset that prayer is good and God wants you to pray, but He's going to do whatever He's going to do anyways, so praying for a certain outcome isn't really necessary. He knows your heart already, and He also knows what's best for you.

That's a bit harder to swallow when things aren't going my way. It's especially hard when I've thought that my way was in line with God's way.

Perhaps you would say I have lived a charmed life, or that I've been blessed. The truth is I've been spoiled. The most traumatic thing that has happened to me in my life is that my parents moved me 800 miles away from home two months before I turned 16. They moved our family of four from a city of over 3 million people where we had family and friends to a town of just over 3,000 where we knew one couple. I thought my life was over, but I made friends quickly and the snow, while cold, didn't end up killing me. I prayed fervently that God would change my parents' minds and we wouldn't have to move, but we did move. And I had time to come to terms with the whole situation a while before we made the move, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Other than that I've had almost everything I could have wanted. Besides that darn pony I was so determined to get between ages 8 and 12, I wanted for very little. Not only the material things or things that a junior higher might notice, but the more important things too. My parents were married and actually loved each other. They loved my brother and I and worked hard to take care of us and give us the best life possible. I lived in a nice neighborhood. I had extended family near by who also love me. I was never physically abused or mistreated. I didn't always appreciate all those things at the time, but I do now.

Even now I have almost everything I ever dreamed of having. I married the man of my dreams at 19. He's an incredible godly man and loves me with his whole being. We own our own home. We own our own business. Jake works hard so I can be a stay at home wife. I have time to volunteer at the local crisis pregnancy center and baby sit my friends' kids. Our pantry is full and not only did we have enough money saved to pay all our taxes on time, we still have money to go play when we want to. My parents and my husband actually get along, and my mother-in-law isn't an evil old hag. The view from my kitchen window is breathtaking every single day.

I appreciate what I have, but I still feel like something is missing. When I see it all written down I feel like a two year old throwing a complete tantrum over one little thing that I don't have. But that one little thing is a really big thing to me. It's something I've wanted for as long as I can remember, and it isn't a pony. It seems to me that the only thing standing in between me and my hearts desire is God Himself.

I just don't get it. I've begged and pleaded. I've cried and yelled. I prayed that my heart be changed. Why do I have this desire if not to be fulfilled?

I don't want to be a bad egg.

Want to know the worse part? I know there is no easy answer. I *know* that I should find satisfaction in God alone, but how do I do that when I'm so furious with him? How can God be enough when I have this deep desire that I have always believed He had given me? I've been angry for much longer than I care to admit. Much longer than I even realized up until a few days ago. I feel entitled. I feel like I deserve it.

And I know that I am teetering on the edge of being a brat. A self-righteous, self-seeking brat on a stick.


Bleugh. I makes me sick just thinking about how I've been acting towards God. But it's so frustrating because I can't just sit down over coffee with Him and chat about it. We can't come to a compromise. I can't even get the satisfaction of seeing His face when I tell him that I'm pissed.

I feel like I should just be ok with how things are now and just move on with my merry life. That's what good Christian woman would do, right? I wouldn't bother my husband with it all the time. I wouldn't randomly start crying at our couple's Bible study because God is trying to speak to me and I'm telling Him "We're not discussing this now God. Can't you see I'm at Bible Study? Sheesh." True story. *eye roll* I can be so dense sometimes.

All that to say...I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Maybe I'm being taught a lesson. Maybe I'm being smacked upside the head with God's 2x4 of suffering. (I mean that jokingly.)

Just tell me that I'm not the only one who gets irate with God sometimes. Please tell me that I'm not the only one who's felt so abandoned they just want to give up. Please tell me that I'm not going to loose my mind completely and end up ranting in unintelligible circles forever.

Ugh

So I've been way busy lately. Not with anything in particular, but I haven't had time to actually sit down a write more than two sentences.

I've been thinking a lot about the characteristics of God lately. I hope to expound on that soon...maybe tomorrow? The ideas that I learned at church growing up are being challenged. Not in a huge life or theology changing way, but I'm coming to my own conclusions about certain aspects of God. It's been an interesting few weeks.

Anyways, Jake has expressed interest in actually turning the lights out before 1am, so I must leave you, but just know that some potentially profound stuff is coming your way.

Cry Me A River

This post has nothing to do with this movie

I'm a crier. I always have been. It doesn't matter if I'm angry, happy, or sad, my default emotional release is crying.

Have you seen THIS video? She's so overwhelmed by her feelings, that she just can't help by cry. I would have been this little girl.

It used to be way, way worse. The littlest things would push me over the edge and I be bawling. If something disappointed or upset me, I would cry. I just felt things very strongly, I guess. I wasn't trying to be manipulative, I simply couldn't help it.

I remember on more than one occasion being too hot, and just breaking down into tears. Huge crocodile tears. I literally couldn't pull myself together. Living in San Diego meant it happened quite a few times each the summer. One vacation to New Mexico I ended up completely breaking down in a Walmart parking lot because I was so physically overwhelmed by the heat. Instead of just expressing my frustrations with words, all I could do was cry. I was 12, not 2.

Getting hormones totally killed me. I would be completely fine one moment and a wreck the next, for no explainable reason. I literally had to learn how to control my emotional response to situations. How did I learn how to do this? I don't really remember. I do know that I was very annoyed with myself for being so emotionally wacky, and one day just decided to figure it out. I'm sure some things my parents did helped, but I honestly couldn't point to any one thing. I probably was sent to my room a few times, not out of anger, but more just to "have some space." Or maybe I wasn't sent to my room. Maybe I sent myself, knowing I needed some space.

Now that I'm 22, I am much better at keeping my emotions in check. Too much heat makes me cranky, but the water works stay safely stored. I am able to face stressful situations without a shedding a single tear, at least until I'm in the safety of my own home. I am able to determine when I need some space and make a point to escape from the situation for a few moments, or at least mentally check out until I can pull myself together. Aunt Flo still gets the best of me sometimes, and I cry fairly easy when it comes to sappy movies at any time of the month. I also tend to cry when Jake and I are hashing things out. I swear it's not because I'm trying to be manipulative. I really try to hold back the tears. As I said at the beginning, crying is my emotional default.

I'm saying all that for the benefit of people who are not criers. I understand some are not. My mom doesn't cry as much as me. Most of my friends don't cry as easily as I do. Some people just cry. I totally acknowledge that there are people who cry with the purpose of manipulation, but not everyone who cries is trying to get something from you. Some people just haven't figured out how to manage their own emotions yet.

Especially certain 12 year old girls.

He's Just Not That Into You

Shortly after I broke things off with The Frog, Mom spoiled me rotten and took me on a weekend get away. We stayed in a fancy hotel. We saw a play. (The Importance of Being Ernest). We ate sushi. We got full body massages and mani/pedis. We gorged ourselves on chocolate. We talked about some of the guys she dated before meeting Dad. We watched chick flicks in the hotel and threw popcorn at the screen. And best of all, Mom bought me a book. A book that changed my life.

He's Just Not That Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. If you have a daughter who is entering the dating field, this book is for her. If you have a daughter who is dating a jerk boyfriend, this is the book for her. If you have a daughter who is recovering from a break up, this is the book for her. If you have a daughter who is in high school or older, this book is for her. And you. I especially think you should read it first if your daughter is not yet graduated from high school. Full disclosure: Greg and Liz are not Christian authors. The book definitely has a worldly slant. There is cussing and it talks about sex. It is geared towards grown women, college age and up. That does not negate the truth that is in this book.

Women and girls lie to themselves about guys all the time. They make excuses for guys' behavior and sell themselves short. They sit an analyze men and their actions, usually coming to the completely wrong conclusion. Greg and Liz are here to tell you He's Just Not That Into You! Here are some of the chapter titles:

• He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Asking You Out.
• He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Calling You.
• He's Just Not That Into You If He Only Wants To See You When He's Drunk.
• He's Just Not That Into You If He's Breaking Up With You.

The rest are just as good and just as true. You might be reading though that list thinking "Well, duh. Everyone knows those things," but think about it...did you make excuses for these guys? The guy who's not asking you out just went through a nasty break up, right? The guy who's not calling you is just super busy at his super stressful job, right? He's breaking up with you now, but you know he really loves you, right? Remember when you were there? They were legitimate feelings right? Your daughter is thinking the same things and making the same excuses for the same guys!  The feelings are just as legitimate for her. I have heard from dozens of girls that "I just can't talk to my parents about boys because they don't understand." I think what they're really saying is "my parents blow me off when I try to talk about things that are a big deal to me."

Anyways, this book got me through The Frog drama, and I would suggest you give it a read if you have a daughter of dating age. If nothing else it could give you some ideas of how to advise or comfort your daughter when she's getting ready to date, dating, or breaking up with a guy who's just not that into her. And it's an easy, fun read. The perfect thing for the post-boyfriend blues.

I'm a winner!!

Look mom! I'm bi-winning!

Yes, that's a Charlie Sheen reference. I'm not above using them. In fact, we had lots of fun with them that night. Oh, and PSP is my online identity. It stands for Princess Sweetie Pea. Don't worry, I don't expect you to call me that.

Princess or Your Highness will be acceptable.

Anyways, I won a local karaoke contest. It's not a huge deal, but I'm still pretty stoked. There is one every week until the beginning of May, then all the winners (20 or so) compete against each other at the end of May. The winner of that gets a free ride to Texas for the semi-final national competition against 99 other contestants. I made it this far last year, then my own father beat me out in the regional competition. He got a trip to Vegas. TH and I were able to go with my mom and dad and had a pretty darn good time...but I ended up being very happy I wasn't competing. When you're up against the best 99 out of 2500 singers...there are some really good ones. It was stressful, to say the least.

Jake and Dad chillin'

 

Pretending we're someplace romantic