I'm giving you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you my King
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life
And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, all to you
I'm singing You this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You for the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy, even sharing in Your pain
And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, all to you
I grew up in a Christian home. I became a Christian very early. Maybe six or seven. I rededicated my life at 15. I don't know why it shocks me that I'm still learning things. The lesson I'm learning right now? Well, it's a really hard one. One I thought I had learned years ago. One I would rather not have to learn again. One I really would like to not think about.
But not thinking about it has just delayed the inevitable. So here I am. Thinking about it really hard.
Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. I have always thought that I had surrendered my whole life to God. That’s what it means to be a Christian, right? If you had asked me four days ago I would have said without a doubt that I have surrendered everything to God. I would do whatever He asked.
But Thursday night, sitting on a stool in the sanctuary, I felt rather than heard God's voice. “You haven’t surrendered everything."
I'm giving you my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride for the promise of new life
And I surrender all to you
The truth is I want to be a mother. It has been my desire since I was a little girl. I wanted to be a wife and a mother. I knew that I would be – and certainly thought I would be by now. So far, I haven't been able to be a mother. It feels like it's been forever. It feels like right now is the right time. It feels like I've been betrayed. It feels like I'm in limbo. It feels like a crushing weight pushing me down into the dirt.
I know, I know. "You're young still." "You've only been married three years." "You have tons of time ahead of you." "Enjoy sleeping in while you can."
Believe it or not those words of encouragement aren't as helpful as one might think. But that is not the point anyways. The point is this is the one area of my life that I am not willing to surrender. When Jake and I decided to let God be in charge of the size of our family (i.e. stopped using birth control) I *knew* in my head that it didn’t mean we would be parents right away. I was ready to wait six months. That seemed like a reasonable amount of time. When six months came and went I was even ready to wait a year. Dear Aunt Flow came to visit on the one year anniversary. I started to become bitter. Now that we are closer to two years than we are to one, I find myself engulfed in grief. And at times rage.
Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
I *knew* that this verse didn’t mean that God was a genie in a bottle. I *knew* that it meant that my desires would become what God desires over time, but apparently I really didn't understand that. I’ve come to the startling realization that I have sort of been looking at God as a genie, ready to do my bidding if only I rub the bottle in the right way.
How horrifying.
Surrendering everything really means surrendering my dreams; even the dreams that God gave me so long ago. I KNOW God gave me the desire to be a mom. Why would He give me this dream and not a child to go with it?
I’ve talked before about being a brat. I have not had to wait very long for things I have wanted. I wanted to be married. Less than a year after graduating high school I was married. Why the wait now? I’m probably being taught a lesson in patience or suffering or relying on God or something, but geez how I wish I could just have a baby instead. Can’t I learn this lesson in some different (and preferably easier) way?
Giving this dream to God means that I am giving up all control over it. In reality I don't have control over it anyways, but holding on to this resentment lets me at least feel like I have some control over the situation. I can have some control over my feelings. Gosh I'm such a control freak.
So there I was, staring at the while sheet of paper on the music stand on Thursday night, everyone around me working out transitions and chord progressions. I finally understood the meaning of the song. Real surrender means that God becomes enough for me.
And then came the realization that floored me: right now, God isn’t enough. I want a child. It pisses me off that God hasn’t given me one. I probably won’t get one until I allow God to be enough, but right now I’m crippled by the fear that comes with giving up one’s dreams and desires. What if He still says no? What if He makes me wait for years and years and YEARS like the women in the Bible who yearned to be mothers? Sarah was 90. NINETY!
I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. Will I fall apart in tears on stage? Will I ignore the yearning to be close to God and desire to have a child grow within me and just sing the song because that's what I have do it? How long will I continue to be bitter?
Stay tuned to read about my other misconceived (no pun intended) notions of what a Christian is. Guess what? Being a good Christian doesn't mean you know everything. Being a good Christian doesn't me that you don't continue to learn lessons and struggle with sin. Gosh, I thought I knew that already.
What an honest post.....I have no great words of wisdom or anything, but felt like offering a cyber-hug. (((Rachel))) Praying for you; it's definitely never easy to surrender all. For God to truly be enough.....wow.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hug Heather.
ReplyDeleteYour desire is for something very, very good, so it's a lovely thing that you don't have to surrender that desire. I think the thing you've truly wrestled with surrendering, up to this point, are your expectations as to how that good desire might be fulfilled, in terms of the when, and the how.
ReplyDeleteI struggled with my desire to be married to a wonderful, godly man, for many years: and in the end, hindsight tells me that it was more than worth the wait, and worth the struggle. Hindsight is very handy, and would be handier still, if only we had it in the midst of our struggle.
The fire of our heart's desire burns so hot sometimes. Sometimes, we struggle with God, wanting our own way so very desperately. Of course, any fool can see Who's gonna win THAT wrestling match, but, still, we struggle just the same. But just like for Jacob, when he wrestled with the angel, there is blessing in any struggle we have with God, if only we persevere, and are determined to find the blessing.
(I'm going to leave out the part where you walk away with a limp, because I'm not sure how edifying that would be to you at this time. ;-D )
Rachel, I think I get where you are coming from. I have been blessed with five kids. But last summer I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And I've been through surgery, chemo, radiation, more surgery. And I have to say it truly terrfies me at times to think of surrendering fully to God, because what if his desire is to remove me from this earth and my family? Do I trust his provision and grace and providence are good and right? Do I trust He cares more for my family than I ever could? I should trust him that way. But when the rubber hits the road, surrender is hard. I find Susan's words to be encouraging - that God gave you this desire and it's good you don't have to surrender it. All this to say I know how hard things are when they don't turn out the way you think they should. I'll be praying for you. I think you are a wise young woman.
ReplyDeleteThank you Susan and Andrea. I appreciate your words of wisdom and perspective.
ReplyDeleteI understand your desires and frustration. 19 years ago i could have written the same thing. I married at 20 and by 21 I was getting a bit anxious about getting started with the 6 chilldren we intended to have all evenly spaced before I was 30!
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, that there just wasn't much we could do about the situation given our finances and lack of insurance coverage beyond the most basic of fertility testing. In hindsight I think that God protected us somewhat from getting too caught up in thinking about it due to the finances. We were raising support as missionaries then and just had to trust that we needed to keep doing what we were called to do and let Him handle the rest. Eventually we contacted some doctors and pastors and told them about the results of our testing and that we were open to adoption. At this point I was starting to crack a bit - wondering if we would ever have a child of our own. We had been married just over 5 yrs. And then suddenly, within 2 weeks of making our interest known we were asked if we were serious about this and in another 2 weeks we brought home the most amazing Christmas gift ever - our son! God did it in His way and His time and I started to realize that even though our fertility issues were nothing that couldn't change over time - God had used those things to bring us together with our son. 7 years later, after we had determined to be thrilled with 1 child if that was all God had for us, He brought us our amazing daughter - also totally out of the blue and through adoption. They are the most amazing kids and we have had such fun as a family that we are all struggling a bit now that our son has graduated and is leaving home. I do believe that God did determine not only the size of our family, but also how our family was brought together. And yes, I do admit that I have had more than a few conversations with God in recent years telling Him I am good with what He gave us and no need for miracles here, lol. I know He could still give us more through adoption or biologically if He desires but I'm not begging. :)
Now I am working on surrendering my fear of something happening to one of my children. I think I should have learned to trust more after the amazing way God gave me a husband and children. It is clear there is so much yet for me to learn so I pray I will be open and teachable that I may be more like Him.
Sorry this was long - I hope it was of some encuragement to you. I appreciate your transparency!
Anonymous: Thank you so much for your story. I love to hear about a happy ending. I also am encouraged to hear from other people who are still growing in their relationship with God. I appreciate your honesty.
ReplyDeleteI can so identify with your post. I too went through this when we were first married. All I wanted to be is a mother, my major in college was child development and early childhood education. We got married at 22 and started trying to have a family at 23. I wanted four or five kids some through birth and some through adoption and wanted that all by age of 36. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't get pregnant right away.
ReplyDeleteI really struggled with God and faith and also other believers at this time. So many unhelpful and hurtful things were said to me. Why would God give me such a strong desire for a child if he wasn't going to give me a baby? What was I doing wrong? on and on. I didn't do a lot of things because "I might be pregnant" and that wouldn't work. I lived in limbo for quite awhile. I will say though that spiritual growth was incredible at that time. I learned so much about myself and God.
We did the usual infertility work ups and some things like clomid and such. Clomid=crazy. When I was turning 29 and no baby, not a happy girl. No money for an adoption, dh had been sick and almost died so all savings went to medical bills and living expenses for the 9 months he didn't work.
At 30 yrs 11 months oldest ds joined our family. We now have five children, all adopted from S. Korea. I have no idea how God worked it all out. The first four all joined our family before I turned 37 (remember my magic age of 36 being when I wanted to be done adding children). Wyatt our youngest was five years later and in response to a call from our social worker.
I don't know how your story will work out but I'm glad to see you aren't getting stuck in the waiting and not living while you wait. My mom would always push me to not get stuck in the waiting. She'd tell me to have fun, grow, learn while I'm in the holding pattern. I'm glad she did.
Sorry this is so long and rambling. Just couldn't not comment since I've struggled through this as well.
Kimberly
((Rachel)) I love the honesty in this post. Believe it or not, I think you're in a good place. In my experience, this kind of honesty with God leads to breakthrough, as long as we move through it. In other words, keep your heart open to your heavenly Father and let Him love you through your struggle. Surrender brings peace.
ReplyDeleteI think most Christian parents can relate to the story of Abraham and Isaac. At some point, God calls us to lay our hopes and dreams for our children on the altar, maybe even more than once. It's one of the hardest things we ever have to do!
Oh honey!! First of all, this is a very brave post and I'm so impressed at your transparency. ((Rachel))
ReplyDeleteSecond, that concept of surrender is not an easy one, is it? I can remember sitting on the floor in my college dorm after talking to a friend about my life plans (emphasis on the "my") and she asked me if I trusted God and could let Him work. I blurted out that I didn't think I could trust Him with the plans we were discussing. That was probably one of the more honest things that I said that day. Sigh.
"Surrender; a control freak's manual" -- I think it's a natural best seller, don't you?!
There are lots of us out there...struggling on a daily basis to remember that surrender isn't something we do once. It's something we are called to do on a daily basis...moment by moment, situation by situation.
I wish I could say that I have learned this lesson and checked it off my To-Do List. yeah. That would be great. But it's a lesson that I am re-learning and re-learning, and wondering why I don't get it. Why do I have to be gob-smacked every time ....oh yeah, I'm a control freak and I don't like to surrender. Crud.
You and TH will be in my prayers as you walk this road. I got married at 21. I had plans. Plans for 3 kids, for this job, for that situation. Kid #2 nearly killed me. I was done having children per dr's orders. What? This job didn't happen because I ended up having to homeschool. That situation...yeah, that didn't happen either. But you know what? My life is So so so different than I had planned....but it is good. And I pray that your life will be good as well.
I, too, have been down that road. Mine ended in adoption (1 domestic and 1 China.) The good news is that once you learn this lesson of dependence upon God, it will see you through many other situations.
ReplyDeletewww.11wrights.blogspots.com/2011/07/1991.html
ReplyDeleteThis blog has been very eye opening to me. It is written with great depth and feeling. I thought of you and this post. There are a number of blogs on this topic from this author.. I believe she is telling her story.
oopps I wrote the link wrong:
ReplyDeletewww.11wrights.blogspot.com/2011/07/1991.html
I hope this works!