The Need to be Needed

If you're just coming to this blog, or you haven't had a chance to see some other posts yet, please take a moment to read The Frog: Part One, and The Frog: Part Deux to really understand what's going on.

It took a lot for me to break up with The Prince. I didn't really WANT to break up with him. I wanted it to work out. I wanted it to end happily ever after. In the end, I had to decide that I loved myself more than I loved the idea of him. That sounds totally cliche, so let me explain.

I think one of the reasons self respecting girls and women get in -- and stay in -- relationships with loser guys is to fulfill "The Need to be Needed". Females (as a general rule) have a need to be needed. I think it goes hand in hand with that maternal instinct thing. I think women get a natural hormonal high from being needed. Maybe I'm completely out of line on this, but based on my experience and based on what I've seen happen to other women I know, the need to be needed can completely overshadow one's own life. I know more than one woman who finds a man who so completely needs her (emotionally, financially, etc) that she totally looses herself in him. She might wake up 10 or 15 years (and however many kids) later and think "How did I end up here?" I think a big part is The Need to be Needed. *

That's why I was with The Prince for as long as I was. He needed me. I was going to be able to fix him. I think that, in the US, the time between when a girl hits puberty and when she actually gets married and has kids is so far apart, it causes them to seek out needy guys to satisfy their need to be needed. 

WAIT! Don't run off yet. I am NOT saying that women have to get married young. I am NOT saying that women have to have babies early. I am NOT saying that women shouldn't go to college or have careers of their own. All I am saying is that I don't think the real and valid need to be needed has been properly addressed in our society. The same is true for some guys. I know one guy in particular who has only ever dated girls with issues. When I asked him about this pattern he has admitted that he wants to be the knight in shining armor and is attracted to girls who need saving.

Do I sound too loony? If I'm totally out of line please tell me so.

So back to what happened with The Prince. I really tried to make it work. When he wasn't acting the way I thought a boyfriend should act, I tried explaining what I was expecting and needing from the relationship. I was even open to listening to what he needed or didn't want and was going to try and make some changes. That's what you do in a relationship, right? Compromise. He didn't want to talk. I was honest with him about my insecurities to try and make him feel comfortable to open up. He brushed them off. One of the things I told him was "I don't feel comfortable with The Ex, I think she is going to try and take you from me." I told him this before she visited that fateful night, and he sincerely told me that I didn't need to worry about it, and he wouldn't give me any reason to doubt him. Now, call me crazy, but running off with her to spend the night in an empty house didn't fill me with a whole lot of confidence. By the time that had happened I was already close to being fed up. It was the straw the broke the camels back.

The drive to The Prince's house to break it off was the longest drive I've ever made, even though it wasn't more than a couple miles. When he came outside to see me he didn't try an apologize for anything or make any excuses. Did he actually think I didn't care about what happened over the weekend? He just stood there, waiting for me to talk. I made it clear that it wasn't just about The Ex (who was sitting inside the house looking out the window). I was breaking up with him because he couldn't give me what I needed. I told him flat out that I wanted him to be able to work it out with me, but I didn't think it would happen. He told me that he was sorry and he "just needed someone to talk to." What?! I wanted to scream, but I managed to calmly say "I was there all along. I wanted to let you talk with me. You never gave me the chance." I didn't want to give him any satisfaction he might have gotten from seeing me upset. This was a logical and mostly unemotional decision, as far as he was to know. He knew it was coming. He didn't really try and stop me. He didn't come to my house with a stereo held above his head, ala John Cusack in Say Anything. That made me upset too. Prove me wrong you idiot. It did keep me from going back to him though. I had decided that I wasn't willing to go running back to him if he wasn't willing to try to get me back. I had that much self respect.

The long and short of it is that even though he ended up being a really crappy boyfriend, it still took a lot for me to break it off with The Prince. And I see girls and women stick with bigger jerks for much longer periods of time for the same reason: the need to be needed.

*I understand that there are a whole lot of reasons a woman (or a man) might stay with someone whom they're unhappy with. I don't mean to discredit or invalidate those reasons, but I do think The Need to be Needed is usually an underlying factor.

ETA: I didn't even finish the story about The Troll. I understand I seemed a bit rude to label him The Troll, but in high school he really was greasy and smelled bad. I already had to sit next behind him in band, I didn't want to go dancing with him. Years later I ran into him in a cafe. He'd lost a ton of weight, his acne had cleared up, and apparently he'd started showering...likely because of the gorgeous girl hanging off his arm. We said hi, and started to catch up on life and the girl (even though he'd introduced her and was completely polite) was very offended that I was talking to him. He was OBVIOUSLY her property, and he didn't seem to mind. He got himself a happy ending. And, he was right about The Prince all along. :) No need to feel bad for him any more.