Brat

How often do you ask God for something? Something serious. Something that you want with all your heart. When you do, do you ask frequently or just once? When do you determine when the answer is "no" or "not now?"

If the prayer seems to be unanswered (or at least not a definite no) do you keep praying for the same outcome, change your prayer, or give up all together? Do you even bother to pray for something you want (or don't want)?

I understand that different situations could change any of those answers, but I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I grew up with the mindset that prayer is good and God wants you to pray, but He's going to do whatever He's going to do anyways, so praying for a certain outcome isn't really necessary. He knows your heart already, and He also knows what's best for you.

That's a bit harder to swallow when things aren't going my way. It's especially hard when I've thought that my way was in line with God's way.

Perhaps you would say I have lived a charmed life, or that I've been blessed. The truth is I've been spoiled. The most traumatic thing that has happened to me in my life is that my parents moved me 800 miles away from home two months before I turned 16. They moved our family of four from a city of over 3 million people where we had family and friends to a town of just over 3,000 where we knew one couple. I thought my life was over, but I made friends quickly and the snow, while cold, didn't end up killing me. I prayed fervently that God would change my parents' minds and we wouldn't have to move, but we did move. And I had time to come to terms with the whole situation a while before we made the move, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Other than that I've had almost everything I could have wanted. Besides that darn pony I was so determined to get between ages 8 and 12, I wanted for very little. Not only the material things or things that a junior higher might notice, but the more important things too. My parents were married and actually loved each other. They loved my brother and I and worked hard to take care of us and give us the best life possible. I lived in a nice neighborhood. I had extended family near by who also love me. I was never physically abused or mistreated. I didn't always appreciate all those things at the time, but I do now.

Even now I have almost everything I ever dreamed of having. I married the man of my dreams at 19. He's an incredible godly man and loves me with his whole being. We own our own home. We own our own business. Jake works hard so I can be a stay at home wife. I have time to volunteer at the local crisis pregnancy center and baby sit my friends' kids. Our pantry is full and not only did we have enough money saved to pay all our taxes on time, we still have money to go play when we want to. My parents and my husband actually get along, and my mother-in-law isn't an evil old hag. The view from my kitchen window is breathtaking every single day.

I appreciate what I have, but I still feel like something is missing. When I see it all written down I feel like a two year old throwing a complete tantrum over one little thing that I don't have. But that one little thing is a really big thing to me. It's something I've wanted for as long as I can remember, and it isn't a pony. It seems to me that the only thing standing in between me and my hearts desire is God Himself.

I just don't get it. I've begged and pleaded. I've cried and yelled. I prayed that my heart be changed. Why do I have this desire if not to be fulfilled?

I don't want to be a bad egg.

Want to know the worse part? I know there is no easy answer. I *know* that I should find satisfaction in God alone, but how do I do that when I'm so furious with him? How can God be enough when I have this deep desire that I have always believed He had given me? I've been angry for much longer than I care to admit. Much longer than I even realized up until a few days ago. I feel entitled. I feel like I deserve it.

And I know that I am teetering on the edge of being a brat. A self-righteous, self-seeking brat on a stick.


Bleugh. I makes me sick just thinking about how I've been acting towards God. But it's so frustrating because I can't just sit down over coffee with Him and chat about it. We can't come to a compromise. I can't even get the satisfaction of seeing His face when I tell him that I'm pissed.

I feel like I should just be ok with how things are now and just move on with my merry life. That's what good Christian woman would do, right? I wouldn't bother my husband with it all the time. I wouldn't randomly start crying at our couple's Bible study because God is trying to speak to me and I'm telling Him "We're not discussing this now God. Can't you see I'm at Bible Study? Sheesh." True story. *eye roll* I can be so dense sometimes.

All that to say...I don't even know what I'm trying to say. Maybe I'm being taught a lesson. Maybe I'm being smacked upside the head with God's 2x4 of suffering. (I mean that jokingly.)

Just tell me that I'm not the only one who gets irate with God sometimes. Please tell me that I'm not the only one who's felt so abandoned they just want to give up. Please tell me that I'm not going to loose my mind completely and end up ranting in unintelligible circles forever.